Why do I have to see myself as a little spoiled Brat? As a little bitch? I dont want to see myself as that, but after today, I can see that is how I am, a show off for playing violin and trying to have things my way. I dont want to hate my family as I hate some ppl at school, because family is the base. Its special, but if I dont stop they will all go against me. If I do stop, I am afraid I wont be able to let my personality flourish, and I wont be able to grow on the indide. I'll be like a little child in a big grown up body. I dont want to be like that. Gosh! I hate this phase of life that I am going through.
I want to be with my bf or just talk to him, but I cant, he doesnt answer my calls, or send me messages. Why? I know that he might be buisy and I have to be patient, but I dont have any patience left. Well after what R. did to me in mass.
I just feel like crying, so much. so hard, because the way I feel when I am with ppl in school is the way I feel now. Why dont ppl understand me? I just dont get it. Do I have to understand everybody else???
Ok, maybe I am being selfish. Always thinking about me!!! I should stop doing that! But I think about the others, and put them first. Why cant it be my turn? Ok I cant do everything but I loove singing, and they put G. singing the psalm. Ok I am not jealouse or anything. I dont mind. But I dont see why I cant play violin tomorrow. I dont want to play it at lunch for everybody, because then it will be like as if i am being a fucking little bitchy showoff. I dont want to be that. God I hate this.
Why do I keep thinking about me? Ok, if I won't play violin tomorrow, I SWEAR!!! I will not go andf sing with the choir. I dont care what they say or what they think. To tell you the truth, Anselo told me to sing the psalm.
(written on 25/12/09)
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